rufiogerl

im feeling pretty worked up now.
everyone's doing their work
and im here knowing that i did nothing and not doing anything at all.
i hate myself for all these.
i need help in writing essays.
im so bloody useless in this.

alright.
im in the class now and people are talking non-stop at both sides of mine.
and my mind is going crazy.
i know im not REALLY focusing in class.
but i cant fucking hear a single thing my lecturer is saying.
im so fucking irritated now.

i need a consultation.
i keep getting this fucking mood.
it seems as if im bounded by something inside me.
my happiness seems to be temporary.
i cant think straight.
wait, i think too much.
i need help.
i need someone who would listen to me.
i have none now.
none.

im no longer happy with him.
maybe its too soon to say that.
why do i always have this feeling when im in a relationship.
i told him, sometimes i feel that im not supposed to be in one.
that's all.
short and sweet.
i cant open up. i cant let my feelings out.
im keeping everything inside.
i actually felt the pain yesterday but i managed to control.
its sharp, it hurts.
but i kept silent.
i wanted to cry so much.
but i know i should not.
no one knows.
no one im close with would even bother.
i believe i'll leave this world with people not knowing the real ME.
i dont want to burden anyone.
let me help them.
let no one hear me.

ok.
i seriously need help in essay.

bye.

is it me or are guys becoming blind?
1st, the new manager from the Coffee Club wants my number.
my collegues told me he looked old enough to be my dad.
wahahahahaha!!
then, there was this guy on scrambler who didnt stop glancing at me.
he was cute though.

i think they're blind.
and i kept having this feeling that some guys kept looking at me.

for this one, i think its just me.
haha!




i was pretty stressed up for the week.
asked apek to accompany me to the beach after work.
he's so sweet.
we walked from bedok to east coast park.
talking a whole lot along the way.
crapping. moody swingings (im having my "ehem").
i was totally hungry so i ate at the food court there while he looked on.
gosh.
the mee kuah was superb k!!
filled my tummy!! yum yum!!
then we chilled by the sea.
sitting, lying down, talking, crapping, laughing.
and i kept telling him how much i love his smile.
hahahahaha!!
durh...
and im happy again!!!!
walked back to bedok, took taxi there to his house.
i got to see his neighbourhood for the 1st time in 2 months!!
hehehehe!! and he showed me his house.
then off to my heaven.




talked to uka just now.
caught up with things.
he broke up with his girl.
oh well...
guess we're good friends now.




i miss my friends.
im feeling really bad coz im not spending time with them.
gosh.

work.
school.
countless assignments.
numerous projects.
all kinds of assessments.
so many things to think about.
i can go nuts.

but im coping.
and with apek around,
im sane enough to still live on.
hahaha!
crap.




bye!

ok. i've started going to school
and im loving every moment of it.
been missing out alot for each module
but im catching up just fine.
i guess. :P

im doing research after this update.
after the reseach its back to schoolwork.
then there's still some choreography to be done for one of tomorrow's class.
like wow...

i realised that i have no time for Amore anymore.
so i'll just let the package be and expire by itself.

was approached by my manager a few days back.
coz of my attendance.

guess i was neglecting the wrong things at the wrong time again.
skipping school, ditching work.
but i realised all that now.
im doing good for both.
Alhamdullillah.

relationship. sigh.
it's going just fine on the surface.
but im feeling something different inside of me about it.
(maybe, emphasis on the MAYBE, its my PMT)

out of curiosity.
why is it the guys im with dont open up with me
like how they would open up with their girl-friends?
why cant they just believe whatever i'd said
and simply believe whatever things they gave.
what am i, huh?!?!?!
i know myself very well, mind you!!
why cant you just fucking believe me?!
you'd bloody pierced me through with your  stupid fear!!!
and now to know that you dont believe what i told you?!
you went to you girlfriend and told them about us?!
what were you thinking?!
i guess you're just being your age - curious, immature.
im right here all the time,
right in front of your face!
and who do you go to and believed?!
someone i dont even know!
but its alright for you, aint it?!
she's YOUR friend.
and we're simply more than friends huh.
JEALOUS???
is that the word im feeling now?
yes, but its just a secondary feeling.
RAGED! DISAPPOINTED!
how could you?!

is it me or has my course made me so "drama-mama"?
gosh.
i just need to let all that out.
like FOOOOOOH!!!
im feeling so much lighter in me now.

oh, im too lazy to edit the fonts here and there.
so this is all you get.
boring... but who cares.

bye!

ok. today was a pretty weird day for me.
i mean yesterday.
well, there's a part in my previous post saying about the dreams thingy.
well, yesterday... MIRACULOUSLY...
both of them actually IMed me on MSN.
one even had the cheek to say this:

right... "it's user-friendly", said Emma.
i cant find the place where i can change my LJ address.
maybe only after i post an entry huh.
grrrr...



anyway, i've not been going to school for more than a week.
i fucking hate myself.
i need motivation man!!!!



its so weird that i'd never dreamt of apek.
but i dreamt of the guys who broke my heart.
like... WHAT THE HELL!!!



apek had a taste of his own medicine last night over the phone.
he pissed me off that i decided to be mean like him.
haha!!

oh and i was pretty deaf last night.
he said, "the land of the rising sun"
i said, "huh? u nak lari masok hutan buat ape??"
muahahahahahahaha!!
and he saw the dumb side of me.
gosh.

but still, i was pissed.
want to know why???
well, i knoe that he simply LOVES to tease me.
but still, being sweet and responding to my sweet talks once in a while wouldnt hurt right?
this bothers me.
i LOVE him for the craps, the teasings, and all.
i think im having my mood swings again.
bloody PMS.